Wednesday, December 14, 2005

struggling with gOodByes

2005. Good byes, for most people, do not count among their strengths. Codependency? Call it the sentimental instinct to nurture and engage in all that is, people, plan and product that we might collect as we amble through life. Lint on the collar of perfect expectation. Unavoidable. Avoidable. Irrelevant. Largely relevant.

This years been so many things for me. Learning and growing as always.. Loving, leaning. And letting go. So much to be thankful for! Alhamdulillah. semi anxiety stricken that we plan this Hajj to sew up the remains of 2005, and fashion the fabric of the new year. But more like the anxiety of a mother hen. My careers turned me into that, encouraging the great contradictions that characterize my personality/ ultra feminine, outspoken empowered hotseater.. the diVa of sorts.. tomboy in stillettos so to speak!

Rambles aside.. reflecting back on the happenings of this year gone by brings a dizzying whirr of fabulous colour flashing by my minds eye.. smiling faces, vivid dreams, joyous heartstopping moments.. and goodbyes..unexpected deaths and long awaited arrivals.

Diseases and accidents. Fatal Accident. Theres a word that makes little sense. It should be called Excuses. Excuses for deaths.. First was The 21 Year Old. Its not too often that we cross paths with someone who truly leaves an impression/ But more n more, i imagine that impressions are left by those whose days are numbered somewhat? And so it was in April this year. Passing moments. Friend of Little Brother. Profound Young Individual. The thought crossed my mind that here was someone who would make waves in life. Until a car crash claimed that legacy two weeks later. Goodbye.

Then there was the Korean. AAh. Kind man that. Often stopped by the office for a chat. Ten years in SA. Spoke eloquently and rather enthusiastically about his experiences. Korea. SA. All over South Africa. Places I had never heard of. People. Lives intertwined in ways one could hardly imagine except for the honour to truly be a part of such a network. And slowly, i had the honour to at least a view through the window of such a world..a the chain of seemingly mundane moments that form the threads of lifes glorious magic carpets. So i suggested the book. Write a book, i said. He brought the journal. We wrote. And in October a mishap. A blow to Camp. Of course, i would call the Korean. He would advise. All of us. Being a Friend. Having been through the same. Catastrophes of priority, one could argue, are as important as the moment allows. The Korean was killed that same tragic day. Crashed. Gave life the excuse to retire. From all the efforts. Leaving behind broken dreams. Two little girls and a very scared wife. Dependents who would otherwise live the next fifty years without a worry. Now alone/ Makes my dilemma so much less. Sad. Life irreplaceable.

And then theres M. Also gots to writing stuff about his life/ Mr LIVEWIRE that he is.. from Karate instructor to major domo on the day job to whatever else, recently took a three month leave off work. Leukameia. Which he managed to explain away almost as regardlessly as the common flu. Highly positive. As always. And wats a friend to do, but believe wat she hears? SIlly me. So his meant to be back at work next month. Çept that i spoke to R. She says she had the fright of her life seeing him back from treatments. Trans/op being rejected by his body. Or something.

Whats the lesson? I struggle with these reflections.
Like i said, personally have so much to be thankful for this past year, but can i turn a blind eye to all i see n hear?

1 comment:

Nielfa Hanifa said...

Two days after you wrote this post, it was my wedding day... oblivious to the rest of the world.