Saturday, October 04, 2008

on sunshine and shadows

madeeha is a mini half a metre of energy, smiles and giggles. she's just over a year old now. thing is, she see's me as her playfriend. not as 'aunt'. we read books. we paint together. we sing. and dance. and and and. her mom feeds her. bathes her. etc. im the friend. suits me :) and more than what she might learn from me, i learn oodles from her! her latest discovery has me baffled for a philosophy, though... she has just discovered her shadow. and it bothers her! this afternoon, it played about in front of her and she tried kicking it to 'go away'. alas, no luck. a few days ago, it ran around behind her. she was squealing at it to stop following her! but, apparently, it can't hear too well. and so. she's found a companion of little colour that will follow her around from time to time. but of course, if she can't see it, she won't remember it. or think on it. or dwell on it. i mean, there's a life time of fun to be had, after all! everything in life is exactly as it should be. and what you see is what you get. like ice cream and teddy bears. and hugs and kisses. life is made for living, sweetness!

but then growing up hints at some alternatives. appearances clash with reality. i got into a discussion at the blog of a fellow blogger of many reflections. a philosopher in her own right. and i made some realisations. that the face of innocence is often a mask of the conniving; and that a clash of 'truths' can leave one slaughtered, unless you decide at some point that you don't need acceptance, only the release of your truth. come what may. but then, you also learn that you can't let go of some shadows of perception. some judgements are held stronger than ever before, affirmed by the actions that prevail. other perceptions were trees that once gave you shade, now shaken from their roots. but then the damning question is: are we protected by our judgements? indeed, their affirmation allows us to feel justified. but at what cost?
its not always easy to weigh the balance. i want to be an instrument of the Almighty's infinite compassion. what else does my life purport? but it isn't easy. i want to feel safe in and of myself. not easy either. i want to love the amazing people i find so much joy in. without reservation. for the most part, that's pretty easy. loving is easy. unloving is difficult. ego decides. the soul struggles. i know that i am ego. i survive. i also know that i am soul. i don't like struggle. sometimes, struggle must end. but it brings a springboard for growth. use it or abuse it. the quest is clear, though. instead of striving, i am arriving.
my freedom starts here.


greensmiles said...

hehe. cute. whose blog?

KimyaShafinaaz said...

hmm... mirage blog. i should hav linked it... :)

Nooj said...

beautiful piece
what i admire about kids is when you hand them a piece of candy, even if you are a complete stranger, they grasp it and smile. if only i could accept such uncolditional love so easily, without paranoia.

sometimes questions left opened, unrersolved in our heads. like du'as left unanswered, give us hope, and increased enlightenment

Anonymous said...

Hey, ok, so my first official response on ur blog...loved this post, especially the stuff about discovering your shadow, and how your niece tries to get away from it. Funny how tho, that no matter how much we grow up, shadows (of one form or another) always follow us around. Either one ignores them, makes friends with them or just decides that they are a part of us, and so we must embrace them in all their beauty or ugliness, as the case may be.

Anonymous said...

shadows are worse than skeletons :-)


KimyaShafinaaz said...

@ nooj - hiii...:) welcome back!

@ cc - welcome to my water well of words... interesting wisdoms, and even more interesting for me to see how each person interprets the stuff i ramble on about... :)
friendly shadows are like the past made peace with, the future not fretted about or the present well lived!? perhaps/..

KimyaShafinaaz said...

joe-- do you mean skeletons-in-the-closet?

KimyaShafinaaz said...

note from friend: i just had a chat with a dear friend who suggested that its not necessarily an issue of unloving as it is of exploring different ways of loving... or perhaps silently loving... i guess life works that way. some, we will love in our hearts, in memory... some we will love out loud, for eternity.

and then rumi says- a thousand half-loves must be sacrificed to bring a whole heart home... lovers dont finally find each other, theyre in each other all along.

needless to say, these reflections are a culmination of numerous overlapping stories of friends, loved ones, and of course my own. such is life, a tapestry of colour and richness! :)

Dreamlife said...

thanx for the's lovely to be reminded of such innocence. a state which, i hope, we all return to in the Hereafter.

growing up is our destiny, but a part of me always wants to stay that small child. not just for the freedom, but the utter contentment that can be felt from the most mundane or simple things.

anyway, struggles are a lifelong thing. many times we have a new impetus, and start on our merry way to success; but lack of consistency, and declining motivation withers away the passion we had.

i hope for you, me, and all of us, we can learn to maintain the momentum. because the hardest part is not getting started, but it's to keep going.

hope u had a good Eid :)

KimyaShafinaaz said...

hey hey, slms..

yes, and children are life's amazing way of reminding us about the greatest of our dreams and the free-spirited potential in each of us. we need to be reminded! :)

glad you liked being reminded, too.
eid was awesome, alhamdulillah. hope for you guys as well..

qk said...

lovely piece. i can somehow relate - being around little kids evokes nostalgia in me... i think we all would like that innocence back.

been reading your blog for a while now; thought i'd come out from the shadows and say hello and of course invite you to check out mine :)

KimyaShafinaaz said...

qk, thanks for discarding the shadows that kept you away from sharing words here..:) i read your blog, and im hooked by your style, ease with words, and sharing soul. and im thrilled that you read my blog! thanks for the link. i linked you,too :)

desert demons said...

Thanks for the mention and the kind compliments. Perhaps i share my reflections but I am far from a philosopher. Just a simple wandering nomad, sharing my stories as I roam from place to place. Very cute that Madheeha is in the peter pan phase of life. I often wonder if i would want a wendy to reattach my shadow! All too often I've come across the masked ones lurking in the shadows only to later come out into the light - how few are truthful behind the facade!!! Does it make us stronger or just harden us to the extent of total mistrust? The world is unkind and many a human makes it ugly. Still we strive beyond the pain to see the beauty in each encounter.