a gift called hope

I feel myself slipping.. losing that measure of control, a deluded measure, but a coping crutch nonetheless.. this current lesson in i dont kno what has eluded me, and 2007 will draw to a pathetic close with me left wondering what that was all about. A dear friend said to me that he had a dream about me crying. Made him feel sad, he said. I rejected the notion at the time. Hogwash, I thought. But I cried twice in my heart and once when it was too much to bear, came flooding out my eyes, just when I looked at the message on my cellular phone that said nothing that words could convey. So I cried. And now, with nothing left to hold on to and nowhere to reach in this desolate state, Im crying from the inside. But its funny how, in all this darkness, theres a tiny candle fighting for breathes in the depths of the suffocating, all-powerful black. This candle called hope. My reason to smile. My new years resolution. My wish. And my fear.

Its true. I havent been able to figure out this thing called love. And its appeared in oh-so-many guises, some flawed and precarious, others joy-filled and fleeting glimpses of heaven. Imagined, perhaps? Not certain. But beautiful and sad and flowing with sweet memories and mostly, all void of regret. At the very least, I can say this for myself: none to regret having been as they were and no regrets or what-ifs about what couldve been. Rather, life has been a journey of engaged surrender and trusting in the order of things, personal choice and looking onward to progressive growth and all good things, of course. So its been good. No dependencies, no death wishes :P
Just some lamenting words wrought by an emotion-wrecked muse and a mind often riddled with over-analysis. And then some. Gosh, I may have said this before and often enough.. and I say it again: So much happens in one little year; so much more than one might ever anticipate standing at the foot of the mountain to be chartered and climbed. And upon reaching the precipice, its kinda strange to take a peek back down the path, look back at the mini milestones and the pitfalls passed- makes for some rather dizzying realisations! Made me realise and affirm that many of the imaginations plans are naive and porous againts the Master BluePrint. Thankfully. And that luckypacket rings and creme soda are mortal and silly compared to gentle souls and free men of steely character who will undoubtedly make waves of difference to the world out there. Reality, and Perspective... is so much taken for granted until its a bucket of ice cold water in your face! Thats pretty much what 2007 has been for me. Tonnes of reflection, smilingly beautiful moments, and a wonderfilled anticipation of what 2008 might bring.. So. Here I am, standing patiently in line, carrying a pretty little gift called hope and a prayer for peace and protection for my beloved ones.