Monday, May 25, 2009

collision course

Im doing alot of that nearing the edge kind of over-thinking these few days; and I think that when we put love and hate on a collision course, then we only have ourselves to blame. Im rambling again. Its just that there are certain of these life lessons that tend to go over my head and then I find them repeating themselves all too patiently while I sit back and scratch my head in confusion. This time the confusion levels are in a near danger zone.

I dont get it. I dont. And its no longer a person delivering a message or gifting this life shock to me. Its something more; there's this nagging feeling at the back of my mind saying there's more more more to this. So, the suspense is killing me. What is it?

More. Less, but more.
I think the space between lessons is lessening. Still, the same lessons. But like contractions before birthing, and what we hear to be the labour process, the timing between mini earthquakes is getting shorter... the end is near. I think I must get it at some point. Like really just have that lightbulb, eureka moment! Aha! I get it! Like that.. Unless the games being upped and the challenge along with it. And Im losing braincells through my nose in the process, making me worse for wear :/

There's alot going on inside; and definite lines in the sand regards how much I am willing to put up with. Those lines are forming barriers that barricade me from the row of daggers aimed in my direction. Not so sure that's a bad thing or a good thing. It just is.

This rumble of stuff from the inside needs a voice. That's the only thing I know.
And all hell will break loose when that happens.
I figure its winter anyway, so at least we'll be warm, right?
Anyone want to cuddle? Okay, make that a group hug :P

I've set myself on a collision course. I hope all bones remain intact when I'm done with my chosen encounter. I hope that indeed, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. And I hope that I can finally demarcate that area between pussy-footing niceties and just being true to myself. Being real. It's the freedom that I'm craving for the moment. Probably for a longer time than only now. And it scares the hell out of me!


AD said...

you kinda sucked the deep hidden feelings from within me and perfectly composed it to benefit my own understanding!

i can not see the whole bigger picture but thanks to you it slowly is coming to its visible form !

indeed it will be the better for us all!
and esp us women! who have this mad craving for freedom and possession!

be bless Kimy!

desert demons said...

be sure to pad up with some protective gear before you get on
your way :)

KimyaShafinaaz said...

seher: yea... this freedom quest is non-gendered... and a thirst of note!

dd: hmm.. thanks :) will be sure to do so...

The Organ Harvester said...

Sometimes we need to slow it down and wait until we have control of the ball instead of chasing the ball down and tiring ourselves out.

And embrace the collision course because sometimes we are tougher than we think and we land on our feet and the barriers break down.

what is life without a little bruising. The scars make great campfire stories and something to talk about at cocktail parties of the time you triumphed.

Azra said...

I had to come back and read this, twice :P

I believe its important for us to learn the lessons...and we'll only ever move on once the lesson has been learnt. But I get what you're saying, its not like we get manuals on how to live and learn :P

But you know what? Its in times like these you learn what you're really made of. And you're so much stronger than this, I know it. But InshaAllah, you will see your own strength and courage in time. Ameen.

PS. I'm always up for cuddles :D

KimyaShafinaaz said...

OH: im not one to count battle scars... :P

azra: thanks honey! theres something to be said about the beauty of strength from the words of an awesome woman such as yourself...