Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Crazy Freedom, Freedom Crazy

"I dont want my daddy," she whispered. All of four years old, bundled on the back seat of my car, thats what she said as she looked at me with her tiny marble eyes and innocent cherub face.
"They're just going to keep on fighting. So thats what i said at dinner last night. I dont want my daddy. He bullies my mommy, you know. And he holds her like this, her tiny baby hands grasped her throat for a few seconds, and then like this, she moved a hand to firmly grasp her mouth shut. Thats what he did. And we were crying. I was scared for mommy. And grandpa came and took us away. But he didnt tell daddy to stop. He just told us to take a walk with him. See. Daddys fighting again. And he looks so angry. Like when he bullys mommy. Can we get some ice-cream now? That oreos one from McDonalds!"
My hearts bleeding today, readers. I got a call late last night. A friend was beat up by her husband, last night, and apparently on numerous other occassions over the past five years. But something clicked inside her head this time that made her say, Enough!
So. She left. Rather, she ran for her life. And for the night, left her kids behind. Not certain what the ramifications might be or what the procedure was or anything. Just wanting to breathe again. And she cried as she told me her tale. Displayed the signs of bruised trauma that her body and soul carry as a heavy burden.. And wept. Inconsolable, she was. Until she regained her composure this morning, decided that she would go out to his workplace and talk to him about allowing her to take the kids away to her parents for a few days. Non-confrontational, simple plan. But would it work? I couldnt see why it wouldnt. So. She went. Half hour later, she said she was having a good talk. And another half hour later, she was crying into her phone as she frantically called me up to pick her up a block away from his offices. He had hit her again! This time in front of secretarial peoples, albeit behind the closed grail of his office door. She had filed a case of assault last night, and again now, we were waiting in the casualty unit at the hospital as she went through the routine of questioning and assessment. And then, two members of the police unit accompanied us back to the workplace, where they arrested her husband and bundled him into the back of their van. A crowd of family and mutual friends followed to the police station. I had to leave for meeting. Within an hour, she had been convinced, for the sake of her children??// to drop the charge.
Hysteria. Frantic fear. All things lost and suffered, forgotten for the moment. Passified and pain alleviated for a time. Until the next?
He dragged her by the hair, bashed her against the walls of the private sanctuary of their bedroom, destroying the sacred protectiveness of the space, and all he had to say to her was that he needs to teach her how not to provoke him. She's a mad woman, with a wild imagination, he said. How did she manage to drag so many people into this mess of hers? He sneered.
And for now, hes a free man. No charge. No trial. Freedom has so many contradictions, doesnt it.

21 comments:

deadcrab said...

Poor kiddo...cant imagine trading places in this tragedy :(

..the almighty sure works in mysterious ways..hard as it may sometimes be for us to understand or reason why...but what we do know for sure, when he closes one door, he opens another..help them hold their heads up and focus on the good they still have...each other, a mother, a beautiful child, now safe...from rockbottom, you can only go up.

SingleGuy said...

My initial reaction was...He is a dog. And he very well might be. My second reaction was, that I just wanted to go in there and save her and the children. Your imagery is powerful, yet, most probably nowhere near as emotionally charged and traumatic that the event was, or even the entire marraige.

And I turn to myself and and think, a man that hits a woman, does not deserve to be married, with all the comforts and love a marraige brings.

And I think to myself. Would I hit a woman? Could I hit a woman? I think not.

But then something takes me back. Back to the reason I chose to do what I do.

Could there be something like this inside me?

I'm distressed just thinking about it.

Dreamlife said...

its a sad, sad situation, when things like this happen.

aside from the actual issue of abuse - which i won't comment on (since i think you'd know my views anyway) - the idea of "teach her how not to provoke him".

This is a totally unnacceptable attitude to have - and its not restricted to marital relationships. Anyone who has a short temper should be able to relate to that attitude -

not in that they've GOT that attitude; but they know that to think like that is the easy way out.

its not for the rest of the world to conform to your flaws. flaws are good - we all have them, we're all human. but when flaw harm others, we need to look at ourselves honestly and try to address the things which are deficient in us that hurt others.

i think counselling would probably be the best thing. but the abusive person - before any intervention - needs to realise and accept his fault.

he has to acknowledge it; feel sorry for it; and seek to make ammends - and correct himself.

sometimes it takes an event as extreme as that - arrest - for a person to realise the extremity of their fault.

i hope that what happened will serve as a wake-up call for him; a catalyst for his journey to a better self.

like "deadcrab" (interesting name, btw) says - they still have each other, they are a family, they are a couple. and from rock bottom, you can only go up.

on your part, i hope - in a subtle way - you can encourage steps (for them both) towards this change. it would be a tragedy for this to have had no positive effect, and the silence continue after this and the cycle goes on.

there's a lot of resources out there for situations like this, but i think first and foremost, dua is necessary.

after that, i believe they should try to work it out privately - within their own marriage (even if that involves a close friend or family member who could be a facilitator).

getting external people involved should be a later step - if they can't work it out privately first.

i'm not saying to hide it from the world. i'm saying that its their marriage and their family - and instead of running to the outside world first for solutions, they should try everything they can to work it out between themselves.

of course, this may not be a viable option - depending on circumstances - but conceptually, i think its best to try to work through such sensitive things in private, before you go to an outsider.

whatever is best though, for them, thats what they need to do.

Saaleha said...

Everyone who has commented has given you an essay, all I can say is that if more get up on their soap boxes and shout into the wilderness, somewhere, someone will actually hear.
More insiduous and almost equally harmful is emotional abuse and it happens so often that we rarely recognise it.

kimya said...

hey all.. for the most part, im still in a certain amt of shock by the events of the last thirty or fourty hours.. the good news is that mother and kids were reunited and slept in a safe place last night.. but the in-laws and husband deny her accusation, saying that she's making it all up :( medical reports state clearly otherwise!

kimya said...

DEADCRAB; sad, isnt it..
but i like ur positive curve-ball metaphor :)) from rockbottom, you can only go up! i sent her that as an sms!!! thanks for that!

SINGLEGUY..
ur right, my words can barely do justice to the tragic state of affairs that situates what this mom n kiddos are going thru..
and a man like that doesnt deserve the love and comforts and blessings that such a family has thus far provided him. Incredibly sad. Too bad for him, tho. His soul will miss this nourishment whn it burns at another time/ This piece of writing, tho, was my own cathartic expression.. trying to unload most of the days negativity this way.. one of the few ways that works for me.

DREAMLIFE: it really upset me when he hit her again in his office, cos we had decided together that she should speak to him at work, a neutral and public space..and also since he had the kids at work, we thought she might be able to ask him to let her take them with her.
aND THE fact that he could blame her for provoking him just appauls me!

SaaLEha: I agree with you, covert abuse, emotional, mental abuse, is just as damaging in so many ways. The perpetrator is just as much to blame as the one who leaves a physical bruise. The bit that makes it worse, is that the wounds are only for the victim to see and deal with.

Alienlovesecret said...

Besides saddening me, its stories like these that get me livid!
I feel to withdraw my samurai and jihad his head from his body!
I hate it! I so hate it! Its just not on!

kimya said...

*sigh*

May Allah have Mercy on our Souls..

kimya said...

ALS;

Like i said on the Raining CLowns blog, i kept thinking back to your post on Choosing Mr. Wrong over Mr. RIght... But how is one to know for certain anyway?

:(

Alienlovesecret said...

Amin! well... I wish I knew for certain. We all know life would be a dream if we did and it’s not meant to be a dream. I do however think that there are clear signs to be aware of and when we are drowning in the oceans of love or infatuation, we are blinded, barely able to breath and we end up overlooking them or camouflaging them. It sometimes helps for a good friend on the outside to take a look and remind us of the things that really matter. Oi! It’s a tuff one kimya, but a little thinking now and again will take us a long way... i do believe. Maybe we shud post that one sometime... :)

kimya said...

lol

i agree!

we should!

:)

Anonymous said...

hello again

when we spoke in person i had a sense that u were quite disturbed by the events of this week, but reading this makes me realise precisely why and how much. the little daughter really touched u. her pain, her innocence. may Allah give them strength through this time. we both know of other examples where people have stuck it out rather stupidly, and built greater regrets..

i am/was one of those people.

i hope the same fate does not await them too.

kimya said...

hey u, anon..

at least u realised and learnt from those choices. and the most profound test is that of endurance and trusting that Allah has a bigger picture plan in mind. we follow through with it, and at the end of the day, the perpetrator of such violence, be it mental or physical or any other way, is the one to end up living a lonely and unfulfilled life.

ur bravery and captivating beauty makes u a shining soul. im glad to have ur friendship and ur wise counsel.

Alienlovesecret said...

slms Kimya...

Hope all is well yourside.

are you part of the msn family or any of the like?

I'd like to add you :)

Anonymous said...

salamz , just checking if ur same shafinaz thats dreamlifes frend ... if u r , ive lost ur no coz fone got stolen and we gna do sum cool things next week .... leme no :) [shabnam_99@hotmail.com]

kimya said...

:P

its a small small world hey

Anonymous said...

shafsssssss

i yam bored!!!!!!!

whens your necxt postinggggggg

this ones olllld nowwww

please wake up and stuffff

i hear you on holidayyyyyyyy so you got time on your handsss..

entertainment needed :p

Anonymous said...

sorry about your friend i hope she and her kids are ok and stuff, btw.

hows the book thing coming along?

'the maestro of mundane magic'

kimya said...

anon1-
ur always bored kiddo :P
gud to know u rely on me for entertainment tho :))

as for mr. maestrO, well theres nothing mundane about the magic u splash about on all whose lives uv touched :)

Nazia Peer said...

Its scary and unjust to find someone living under these circumstances.Will a day ever exist-when women will be fee of this insane torture?Inshallah she will get the courage to leave him and finally free herself and her children.Inshallah it wont be too late.

kimya said...

nazia :) hey!

ur so right, this insane torture seems a dark and never-ending road.. i, too, pray for an end to this situation in this persons life.. may Allah Guide them.

thnx for duas/ take care!